WTF happend to me

this world is a twisted, fucked up place. Why is it that everything before 2003 was easy and everything after is hard?? At what point did life become this roller coaster of ups and downs. Is it Desi? Is it my father? What the fuck happend to me last year that I cant seem to stay happy for more than a week with out hitting one of these lows Its like every week I just want to go away and forget everything. Then I'll be happy again, but then I'll be super depressed again in a few days. Its like a cycle that never ends and just seems to spiral out of control sometimes...........is there ever an end............is there ever a moment when I'll be truely happy again? But when was the last time i was "truely happy?" Was it last semester before i got fired? When i still had stephanie and ashley wanting to hang out with me? If so, why is my happiness determind by others? Why is it since desi broke up with me i cant fall asleep most nights with out holding on to something? What the fuck happend to me and why cant i be happy for more than a few hours or few days at a time?

Cheers

Heres to catching up with old friends and making new ones. I hope the future brings brighter days for all of us.

Well, after a rough last night and a long time of thinking and talking it over with friends, I told Desi I think we need to spend some more time away from each other. Its just getting a little to hard for me to see her with other guys and my life is just suddenly getting to complicated like it was last year. I guess its just unfinished emtions that I haven't delt with yet. I got around them last year because I just went to hating her with all my friends so I didn't have to deal with it, but now, since we are friends, I have to learn how to deal with her being with other guys. My friend said that its just another step that everyone has to go through and yea it really sucks, but i'll get through it. Just give it time and everything gets better. Later in the day, Desi sent me a song and said that it fits me alot. I like to see it as a message from her. Its called I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack. here are the lyrics.

Lee Ann Womack
I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
LOVIN' MIGHT BE A MISTAKE BUT ITS WORTH MAKIN'
DONT LET SOME HELL BENT HEART LEAVE YOU BITTER,
WHEN YOU COME CLOSE TO SELLING OUT RECONSIDER
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone

Its a good song and I really like it. I remember I got rid of it last year because it made me think of her to much. But maybe now it will be a way to remember that things will get better one day. Thanks Desi

An Interesting Story

Walking to class one day, I was day dreaming about a possible future that might happen. The story goes like this...

Im in my interpersonal communications class, which is all about relationships, Desiree ends up being in my resitation class. The TA tells us to circle up our desks and asks us to talk about relationships we once had. After a few people talk about theirs, the TA suddenly calls on me and asks, "Patrick, tell us about a relation ship you once had." Now keep in mind Desi is sitting right accross from me in the cirlce. The first part of the story would happen like this...

"I had a girl friend once. She was really cool and really sweet. It took us a while to get together, but eventualy it was really awesome." The TA then asks. "Well that sounds pretty good. What happend?"

"Well, she had done things that I couldn't really bring my self to get over. They weren't towards me, but I still found it hard to forget about them, yea i know im a jerk. I would bring them up and kinda hold them against her. And our beliefs just didn't match up. So eventualy, it was just to much for her to deal with and she broke up with me." After the class gives a collective "awwww" the TA then asks, "well im sorry to hear that. If she were here right now, what would you say to her?" Now at this point, the story goes a number of different ways depending on how I feel about her at the time. First we will start off as though I hate her to no end.

1. "You are a dirty slut."
2. " I tried everything to get over you and it was still the worst time in my life. I hate you!!."
3. "You should have tried to make it work, you didn't even give me a chance!"
4. "I'll kill you if you ever try to hurt me again."
5. " I needed you that semester and you just through me away!"

Or we could go the oppisite way and pretend I love her.
1. "I miss you soooo much."
2. "I've never stoped caring about you."
3. "I wished we could try again."
4. "Old flames die hard, so lets see if we can rekendle that fire baby."

But in reality I dont feel any of those things are true, maybe bits of each emotion are true, but none of them as a whole. So, if this actualy happend tomorrow the answer I would most likely give would go something like....

"if she were here now, I would tell her you know, we had really good times, like the night after you met my parents (smiling really big). (everyone laughs) But serously, if she were here now, I would say, sometimes I do miss the good times, and Im sorry for being such a jerk alot of times, but I understand why you broke up with me and Im ok with that now and Im just happy I have you back in life, even if we dont feel the same about each other now."

After that, I would give her a quick glance and a smile and after class probably a big hug. Then id probably say something sarcastic like, "so that was a great class. Dont you think?"

And thats my story.