alrighty...lets go

I went to TRHA this weekend. It was really fun. Met a bunch of new people, mostly girls :) Got 3 emails from them and danced the Nsync dance for the whole place with Derek. It was SO cool.

Turns out Im not going to go see kayla this week and I didn't get to see stacy on sunday like i wanted to either. So, my plans for this week are pretty much shot. I guess I'll just stay up here all week until we go to San Antonio on Friday if we still go. My moms car broke down, so we'll see if we can get it fixed on time.

Desi, what ever you do, be safe and be smart about it.

Kayla, ok im sorry i said that, i shouldn't have used those exact words. But i still dont think you should allow this to happen.

Haven't talked to Leslie in forever. I wonder if she knows im still here...

Alrighty, i guess thats it for now.

WTF happend to me

this world is a twisted, fucked up place. Why is it that everything before 2003 was easy and everything after is hard?? At what point did life become this roller coaster of ups and downs. Is it Desi? Is it my father? What the fuck happend to me last year that I cant seem to stay happy for more than a week with out hitting one of these lows Its like every week I just want to go away and forget everything. Then I'll be happy again, but then I'll be super depressed again in a few days. Its like a cycle that never ends and just seems to spiral out of control sometimes...........is there ever an end............is there ever a moment when I'll be truely happy again? But when was the last time i was "truely happy?" Was it last semester before i got fired? When i still had stephanie and ashley wanting to hang out with me? If so, why is my happiness determind by others? Why is it since desi broke up with me i cant fall asleep most nights with out holding on to something? What the fuck happend to me and why cant i be happy for more than a few hours or few days at a time?

Cheers

Heres to catching up with old friends and making new ones. I hope the future brings brighter days for all of us.

Well, after a rough last night and a long time of thinking and talking it over with friends, I told Desi I think we need to spend some more time away from each other. Its just getting a little to hard for me to see her with other guys and my life is just suddenly getting to complicated like it was last year. I guess its just unfinished emtions that I haven't delt with yet. I got around them last year because I just went to hating her with all my friends so I didn't have to deal with it, but now, since we are friends, I have to learn how to deal with her being with other guys. My friend said that its just another step that everyone has to go through and yea it really sucks, but i'll get through it. Just give it time and everything gets better. Later in the day, Desi sent me a song and said that it fits me alot. I like to see it as a message from her. Its called I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack. here are the lyrics.

Lee Ann Womack
I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
LOVIN' MIGHT BE A MISTAKE BUT ITS WORTH MAKIN'
DONT LET SOME HELL BENT HEART LEAVE YOU BITTER,
WHEN YOU COME CLOSE TO SELLING OUT RECONSIDER
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone

Its a good song and I really like it. I remember I got rid of it last year because it made me think of her to much. But maybe now it will be a way to remember that things will get better one day. Thanks Desi