Feeling Broken

Another day, another dawn. So today in the exciting life of Patrick nothing really happened again. I had the third day of training on the job and we don't have it tomorrow because th ey are being audited. I'm getting better on the scooter, I didn't fall off today which is good. I'm still kind of depressed though. I guess it hung over from yesterday morning. I don't know, those dreams just really got me going. I actualy saw her picture on the facebook today. She had changed it from what it was the last time i saw it. I didn't even want to check the profile. I was thinking about it today and I dont even want to know anything about her right now. Not about where she is or what she's doing or anything. Just not ready I suppose. I fucking hate feeling like this. I was told from a friend online that I just need more time and when I thought about it, I guess its only just now been over a month, but damn it feels like it was forever ago. That whole relationship just seems like a dream to me now. I mean I know it happened, and I know what I said and did, but its like it was a different person. Maybe I just feel that way because it hit me so hard that the little piece inside of me, lets call it "the love piece," just snapped in two. And let me tell you... that's a big damn piece. I know the time is coming soon when she will be back in Denton for summer II classes and after that its only a matter of time before I either run into her or she tries to make contact with me, which ever comes first I wish it didn 't have to happen. I still dont know what to say to her or how to act. Do I tell her off and tell her how she destroyed me or do I play it off like shes nothing to me now, which would be a lie. A part of me still wants to run up to her and say all the things I use to say to her but I know I can't. And maybe there is that 1% chance that I do that and she says them all back, then what happens? We play the secret lovers game again? I dont think so... She would still let her mom run her life and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet and fit my self into her rich little world. I dont belong with someone like that. Some rich guy with a fancy car and a big check book will end up with her and God help him. What a mess of a family that is, well I guess its only a mess if they hate you. I'm sure her mom will make sure she ends up with someone "just perfect for her little girl." BLAAA!!! Give me a fucking break. All those damn rich denton bible christian assholes can go to hell.

Enter the Scooter

Yea I know its been almost a week since I last put something in here but so what, it's mine, I can do what I want :) Well this weekend was interesting to say the least. I decided that I needed a new way to get to work for the summer because walking 20min at 7:30am every morning was just not going to work out for me. So me and my mom decided to buy an electric scooter. Now this all seemed like a great idea until we actually bought it and I tried to ride it. It took about 3 seconds to hit the accelerator and fly off, messing up my wrist pretty good. So after trying again a few times I gave up for a few hours. After dinner we took it out to the track at the jr. high and tried it out there. After hours of falling over and over and over and over, and getting extreamly fustraited to the point of tears, I stopped for the night. Let me tell you something people, I am someone who has always worked his entire life to be like everyone else and have always been able to overcome anything I've tried to do, so failing mis erably is something I take EXTREAMLY hard. I just shut my self in my room and didn't want to come out for anything. Of course my mom had to come in and try to "comfort me" when all I wanted is to just be left alone. So what happened, ya bad times happened. For a recap, examine some of the phrases that came up more than once: "Its not fair" "I should have been driving 4 years ago""If dad was still here none of this would be happenin g" The last statement I probably shouldn't have said because damn, that just opened the door to a whole new argument. Anyways, so the next day my mom's boy friend decided to follow up a suggestion I had to put training wheels on it. He took a large slap of metal, bolted it underneith the large metal top of the scooter and attached small wheels to it. It works ok for the most part. I would have prefered the wheels to be permanent and more stable. like just making it have 4 wheels, not just two wheels and two "training wheels." I may go up to home depot and buy new ones later on this week to fix that. I dont care about learning how to ride this the correct way and have no intention of ever taking those off. Its mine, I payed for it, I'm using it, I get to modify it how I want to. Not to mention for sucking my bank account dry this month, I better damn well be able to ride that with out killing my self like I did this weekend, so bigger wheels are coming soon I promise. Ok I'm done.

PS. No audio this time on purpose.

City of Heroes Update

Well time I talked about what's going on in City of Heroes. A few days ago me and one of the original members of PEF, Paragon Elite Force, my super group, and I were talking about how kind of unhappy we were with the group, so instead of trying to change the group, we just made our own with new alts. We haven't pulled our toons off of PEF because we still have friends that we like on there and we just have to much dedication to stick with them to just abandon them all together. But we have made our own group and its called The Front Line. Our motto is, "because they send the best in first." So far its going well, except for this one kid on there who is just really pissing us off. He always begs to be power leveled and is very ungrateful even when we do help him out. So me and the other leaders are probably gonna kick him out soon. Only 4 days into existence, only 9 members, and we are already gonna kick someone out. Maybe that's good though, I mean we wont put up with shit that PEF would. PEF would just ignore them and never do anything about it. Well not in this group. This will be a good group if it kills me. I built them a web page too which is what I've been up to for the last couple of days. Its nothing major, something pretty simple to do I guess. I definitely didn't think about it as much as I did this site. I used the same buttons, just changed the colors. It is kinda fun to update the roster page with new pictures and such and watch the group grow. Today was really stressful for some reason, Im not sure why. Maybe it was because I hadn't been out of the house in like 2 days, so I went to Kharma tonight and got a cup of coffee. I felt better afterwards. I talked to my mom today and she said she doesn't like reading this journal. I guess she's uncomfortable reading my personal thoughts. But I mean I would never put anything on here that I don't mind everyone else knowing. Anyway, that's it for now.

It is Finished!!!

It's FINALLY finished! I've spent the last few days working on completely remaking my portion of this web side. First I started with the buttons, made them into rollovers which I had no idea how to do until Travis told me, then I worked on the front page. It probably took 5 hours on one day, and about 2 more hours of the next day to finish that first page. For some odd reason, IE and Firefox don't read HTML the same way so when I would view my page, it would look normal in IE but really messed up in Firefox. So thats what took an extra 2 hours the next day. Also on day two, I updated this page with the new style and layout. It didn't take to long because most of it was just copy and paste from the front page but making the calanders was particularly fun to do since I had been struggling with how to do them in the other layout. I really like how they are just tucked away nicely right below the buttons now. Today my task has been to update the photo page with 1) the new layout and 2) alot more photos on there since I actually have some. After I got all of that done I wanted to figure out how to make text pop up when you hold your mouse over the picture. That took a little bit of online searching to do, but I did figure it out and I really like it. It adds a nice little flavor to it when you can see comments on the picture. Also, instead of just sizing down a 1.5meg picture for the thumbnail on the main photo page, I actually made smaller versions of the picture and just linked them to the large versions. This should cut down on loading times for anyone who is using still using dial up *cough* Joseph *cough*