Bitchy Rant about the X

Well I seem to be having a reaccuring theme of random emotions on this page lately, so I might as well keep it going tonight. Isn't it amazing how when you're with someone, you can't imagine what your life would be like with out them, but when you're with out them, you can't seem to remember what life was like with them? I think I've got to that point with the ex now. I seem to find my self thinking about things we did or talks we had and think holy crap, was I actualy that happy? I mean, it feels like it was all this huge fantasy world I was living in for nearly 5 months. As the Metallica song says so well, nothing else matters, when you're with that person. A particular example I was thinking about the other day was all the times she would just come in and take a nap with me. Or I would go over there and do the same. I began to think about what would happen if by some wierd chance, she just came in while I was sleeping and layed down next to me? What if I didn't realize what was going on until I woke up? Wouldn't that be the most awful situation ever to put me in? I wonder if when she gets back she will read any of these entries just to check up on me. I wonder if she still thinks about me as I think about her. I don't think she does because in the following week of our break up, I asked her once, are you as miserable through out the day as I am, and she said she was for a day or so, but then got better. I on t he other hand, remained miserable for quite some time afterward. She said she had been going to parties every night which Im sure was her friends idea. I wonder if she got laid. I wonder if she's gotten laid since she left Denton. If so, do I even want to know? I wonder what will happen when I see her again. How will I react, what will I say, what will I do? Am I thinking to much about this and shouldn't I be in bed right now??? Probably. Do I try to stay friends with her like I did with Desiree? Most of my friends will probably say no, and ya know, I never did listen to them the whole time it was going on, maybe I should this time. Could my mind even take the strain of knowing that she was with someone else? I remember how incredibly hard it was to see and hear about Desiree being with all of her guys after me so I cant even start to think about how much of a disaster it would be for me to know that she was with someone new. I know it will happen and more than likely happen soon after she returns. And by all means Im sure someone will see her with him or heaven forbid I'll run into them together.....*shudders*...... nope not ready for that one yet. How do people do this. This is such a crappy deal and I wish I could just make it all go away. Talk about emotionally destroyed. Why do I allow girls to do this to me. Out of all t he emotions humans have, why does THAT one mean so much more than the others. I wish I could hate her....I know that might seem odd to say, but you know what, it really makes things easier, but I just can't. I've tried to hate her and I just cant convince my self. Out of all the shit I went through, all the crap and stress and greif I took from Denton Bible, her parents, her family, and her friends, I STILL cant hate her. Ok yes, I have gotten to the point where I can look back and say you know, one day I'm going to be much happier with another girl but considering my girlfriends seem to come once every few years, Im left with the fact that she will be with a guy while I'm sitting at home on my computer. Fuck this, fuck her, fuck all her stupid whore friends who fuck everything they see and then act like its ok. Fuck the stupid girls out there who think Men are there fucking play toys that they can mess around with and leave for death. You know what you STD carrying bastards, I hope you all either get pregnant (those of you who haven't already), or get herpies or some other awful STD to where no man will ever want to fucking touch you again. I'm done.......for now.........

oh one more thing..............Why cant I say her name yet with out getting this odd, very uncomfertable feeling in my gut. You'll notice it hasn't appeard in this journal since April 3rd which was the 2cd entry.

Geeting The Hucklebuck

HA!!! I was right!! In my last entry I described what I wanted to happen today then described what would probably happen today. And I was soooo right. Some how, a reason came up to where me and Liz didn't get to hang out today. She said she had a sudden job interview that came up in Dallas. Who just all the sudden has a job interview that day? I mean, what business would call you THAT morning and say, hey come in at 3pm today. Give me a break! And of course she had a hockey game to go to tonight so again that was out of the question too. I'm so frustrated and tired of getting the run around. Yes, Monday was my fault, but every other day has been her fault. Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, and today. I finally left her a message today saying that its up to her now to pick a day and time, I'm tired of picking times and having her back out on me so now its her turn. If she still wants to get together that's great, I'll still hang out with her, but if she's just giving me the hucklebuck, she nee ds to just tell me and get it over with. Good Lord.

First Day of Work and Damn Girls!

Today was my first day of official work. Started my regular 8-2pm shift and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Time actually passed by pretty fast. I didn't even really have that many calls. Which you can see on the front page by the jump in the number. That number is not an exact number by the way, I missed a few or forget to make a tally on a few of them. Again, I have been denied coffee with Liz. Saturday she had to go see a friends band play, Sunday was father's day, Monday I couldn't get off work in time, today her parents came into town, tomorrow night she "might" be going to see a hockey game so I took that as, don't count on it, so I said well then fine what about tomorrow afternoon? She said that was good. So...one more time...we are going to try to hang out for a while. It must be destiny that we not ever be allowed to hang out together. Speaking of trying to hang out with girls, I actually talked to Ginny today for the first time in a few wee ks. I just happen to catch her online for like the 10min she was on. She said she still wanted to hang ou t sometime too so I tried to set a day and time for her as well. We are suppose to try to hang out on Saturday... sometime... she didn't give me an exact time because she doesn't know. So I told her to email me or call me whenever she finds out when.... you women are so confusing!!! lol. Geez this entry makes me sound like I'm pimp or something. Hellz ya!! hahaha jk!!! So plans for tomorrow are as follows: work until 2, "TRY" to hang out with Liz again at 4 and pray to God that he actually allows it to happen this time, then if all goes well come home and chill with certain since of accomplishment. Now in reality, things will probably happen like this: work an awful job until 2 where I will be hounded for every little mistake I make, have Liz cancel on me sometime before 4 or I'll have to cancel for some odd reason that will appear, come home and sleep off my shitty mood I'll be in. Which one will happen, I'm hoping the first one.

Sarah Sullivan - the girl, the legend, the song...

So I think I've just about given up on the audio entries for now. Something about when I listen to my self read them, they never come out the way I want them to sound. No t to mention its a pain in the ass kinda to make them. So I figure I'll just go back to regular entries. I went and saw Batman Begins Wednesday night. Good lord that was awesome!! So much better than the previous two movies and probably better than the first Tim Burton Batman, but its a close call. I think that each person had their different take on the character. This new one obviously focuses on the whole "scary" factor and tried to really infasize that fear is what will keep the criminals in line. I was definitly more scared of this Batman than of all the other ones. And I like how this one stuck to the comic book more than the first movie did. So a funny thing happened to me tonight at kharma. The girl that the original version of My Life Sucks was writen about came in!! Thats right, Sarah fucking Sullivan! I was like HOLY SHIT! I hadn't seen that girl since the day I graduated high school. She came in with Philip who lives up here and also went to my high school. She only stayed for about 5min but wow, it was just very interesting to see the girl I've been singing about for the last 7 years. Pretty odd. Anywayz....hm...what else is going on....Still in training at work, but I actualy got to take 2 phone calls today WOOT! I didn't fuck up to badly. I added in a call counter on the front page so I can keep track of how many calls I've taken there. Every time I take a call I'll make a tally on a sheet of paper and at the end of the day, count them, add up the total with the existing number, then update it. So we'll see how long I stick with that one. Ok Im bored with this now lol, im done.