Slow Dancing

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I wish I could be happy with someone. Why is it that as soon as I am able to make my self pretty much happy being single, I find someone who I really like and then it all blows up? I dont get it at all. Its like my love life is one of those Japanese water fountans that drips into a bamboo post and when it fills up, the post will tip over and let the water run out. So as soon as my life fills up with to much happiness i tip over and all of it runs away. Life is just so depressing sometimes I think there's no purpose to it anymore. I use to know what I wanted and how I was going to get there. Now I know what I want but have no idea how to get there. I remember sitting here in the union and I couldn't wait to see her again. Now its a source of frustration.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

I Don't Want To Go

I should feel happy right now that spring break is coming up but I'm not. Why do I have this really bad feeling about going away for a week? I'm sure getting my car fixed up on saturday will cure me of a lot of these feelings but until then I just have to hang on. I don't want to come back from the break and have things be different. But they always are after a period of not being around each other. I've never been able to sustain anything past a break like this one and I hate that. And it's always their idea. They go away and they think them selves into not wanting to hang around me as much or not do something anymore or they just feel differently about me and I don't ever feel any differently about them. If anything it makes me want to be around them more.

A part of me says im worrying for nothing but I'm really not worrying for nothing because it always happens!! I don't want her emotions to end just because we spent time apart like the others did.

I don't want it to go away.

You Need To Be Happy

Today is friday, and I am thankful for that. I'm trying to keep this journal unspecific and stick to just gernal ideas and emotions but sometimes that is hard to do. You never know who could be reading this.

Things are going good. I have to remind my self sometimes of how good I have it. I have tons of friends, a family who loves me, and I'm in a city that has literally thousands of people around my age who I can go meet. Now granted I'll never meet most of them and probably wouldn't want to know a lot of them, but I could if I wanted to. I feel like this journal has become a self peptalk lately.

This is such a tricky situation I'm in now and I dont think it should be. I'm so afraid of being alone in one way sometimes, I don't stop to think of how not alone I am in other ways. Ok so what, I dont have a girlfriend, is that really such a big deal? Can I not be happy being single? Many other people are. Can we just fast forward to like 4 months from now please? I'd really appreciate that.

Patrick, I'm going to tell you what everyone is telling you right now...You Need To Be Happy. Everyone just wants you to figure out how to get that way and then stay there. I figured I was doing a good job but apparently you still need to work on that my friend. And no one read this thinking that I mope around all day being depressed because...well...maybe sometimes I do....but not most of the time.

Ok I'm done.