Bitchy Rant about the X

Well I seem to be having a reaccuring theme of random emotions on this page lately, so I might as well keep it going tonight. Isn't it amazing how when you're with someone, you can't imagine what your life would be like with out them, but when you're with out them, you can't seem to remember what life was like with them? I think I've got to that point with the ex now. I seem to find my self thinking about things we did or talks we had and think holy crap, was I actualy that happy? I mean, it feels like it was all this huge fantasy world I was living in for nearly 5 months. As the Metallica song says so well, nothing else matters, when you're with that person. A particular example I was thinking about the other day was all the times she would just come in and take a nap with me. Or I would go over there and do the same. I began to think about what would happen if by some wierd chance, she just came in while I was sleeping and layed down next to me? What if I didn't realize what was going on until I woke up? Wouldn't that be the most awful situation ever to put me in? I wonder if when she gets back she will read any of these entries just to check up on me. I wonder if she still thinks about me as I think about her. I don't think she does because in the following week of our break up, I asked her once, are you as miserable through out the day as I am, and she said she was for a day or so, but then got better. I on t he other hand, remained miserable for quite some time afterward. She said she had been going to parties every night which Im sure was her friends idea. I wonder if she got laid. I wonder if she's gotten laid since she left Denton. If so, do I even want to know? I wonder what will happen when I see her again. How will I react, what will I say, what will I do? Am I thinking to much about this and shouldn't I be in bed right now??? Probably. Do I try to stay friends with her like I did with Desiree? Most of my friends will probably say no, and ya know, I never did listen to them the whole time it was going on, maybe I should this time. Could my mind even take the strain of knowing that she was with someone else? I remember how incredibly hard it was to see and hear about Desiree being with all of her guys after me so I cant even start to think about how much of a disaster it would be for me to know that she was with someone new. I know it will happen and more than likely happen soon after she returns. And by all means Im sure someone will see her with him or heaven forbid I'll run into them together.....*shudders*...... nope not ready for that one yet. How do people do this. This is such a crappy deal and I wish I could just make it all go away. Talk about emotionally destroyed. Why do I allow girls to do this to me. Out of all t he emotions humans have, why does THAT one mean so much more than the others. I wish I could hate her....I know that might seem odd to say, but you know what, it really makes things easier, but I just can't. I've tried to hate her and I just cant convince my self. Out of all the shit I went through, all the crap and stress and greif I took from Denton Bible, her parents, her family, and her friends, I STILL cant hate her. Ok yes, I have gotten to the point where I can look back and say you know, one day I'm going to be much happier with another girl but considering my girlfriends seem to come once every few years, Im left with the fact that she will be with a guy while I'm sitting at home on my computer. Fuck this, fuck her, fuck all her stupid whore friends who fuck everything they see and then act like its ok. Fuck the stupid girls out there who think Men are there fucking play toys that they can mess around with and leave for death. You know what you STD carrying bastards, I hope you all either get pregnant (those of you who haven't already), or get herpies or some other awful STD to where no man will ever want to fucking touch you again. I'm done.......for now.........

oh one more thing..............Why cant I say her name yet with out getting this odd, very uncomfertable feeling in my gut. You'll notice it hasn't appeard in this journal since April 3rd which was the 2cd entry.

Geeting The Hucklebuck

HA!!! I was right!! In my last entry I described what I wanted to happen today then described what would probably happen today. And I was soooo right. Some how, a reason came up to where me and Liz didn't get to hang out today. She said she had a sudden job interview that came up in Dallas. Who just all the sudden has a job interview that day? I mean, what business would call you THAT morning and say, hey come in at 3pm today. Give me a break! And of course she had a hockey game to go to tonight so again that was out of the question too. I'm so frustrated and tired of getting the run around. Yes, Monday was my fault, but every other day has been her fault. Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, and today. I finally left her a message today saying that its up to her now to pick a day and time, I'm tired of picking times and having her back out on me so now its her turn. If she still wants to get together that's great, I'll still hang out with her, but if she's just giving me the hucklebuck, she nee ds to just tell me and get it over with. Good Lord.

First Day of Work and Damn Girls!

Today was my first day of official work. Started my regular 8-2pm shift and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Time actually passed by pretty fast. I didn't even really have that many calls. Which you can see on the front page by the jump in the number. That number is not an exact number by the way, I missed a few or forget to make a tally on a few of them. Again, I have been denied coffee with Liz. Saturday she had to go see a friends band play, Sunday was father's day, Monday I couldn't get off work in time, today her parents came into town, tomorrow night she "might" be going to see a hockey game so I took that as, don't count on it, so I said well then fine what about tomorrow afternoon? She said that was good. So...one more time...we are going to try to hang out for a while. It must be destiny that we not ever be allowed to hang out together. Speaking of trying to hang out with girls, I actually talked to Ginny today for the first time in a few wee ks. I just happen to catch her online for like the 10min she was on. She said she still wanted to hang ou t sometime too so I tried to set a day and time for her as well. We are suppose to try to hang out on Saturday... sometime... she didn't give me an exact time because she doesn't know. So I told her to email me or call me whenever she finds out when.... you women are so confusing!!! lol. Geez this entry makes me sound like I'm pimp or something. Hellz ya!! hahaha jk!!! So plans for tomorrow are as follows: work until 2, "TRY" to hang out with Liz again at 4 and pray to God that he actually allows it to happen this time, then if all goes well come home and chill with certain since of accomplishment. Now in reality, things will probably happen like this: work an awful job until 2 where I will be hounded for every little mistake I make, have Liz cancel on me sometime before 4 or I'll have to cancel for some odd reason that will appear, come home and sleep off my shitty mood I'll be in. Which one will happen, I'm hoping the first one.

Sarah Sullivan - the girl, the legend, the song...

So I think I've just about given up on the audio entries for now. Something about when I listen to my self read them, they never come out the way I want them to sound. No t to mention its a pain in the ass kinda to make them. So I figure I'll just go back to regular entries. I went and saw Batman Begins Wednesday night. Good lord that was awesome!! So much better than the previous two movies and probably better than the first Tim Burton Batman, but its a close call. I think that each person had their different take on the character. This new one obviously focuses on the whole "scary" factor and tried to really infasize that fear is what will keep the criminals in line. I was definitly more scared of this Batman than of all the other ones. And I like how this one stuck to the comic book more than the first movie did. So a funny thing happened to me tonight at kharma. The girl that the original version of My Life Sucks was writen about came in!! Thats right, Sarah fucking Sullivan! I was like HOLY SHIT! I hadn't seen that girl since the day I graduated high school. She came in with Philip who lives up here and also went to my high school. She only stayed for about 5min but wow, it was just very interesting to see the girl I've been singing about for the last 7 years. Pretty odd. Anywayz....hm...what else is going on....Still in training at work, but I actualy got to take 2 phone calls today WOOT! I didn't fuck up to badly. I added in a call counter on the front page so I can keep track of how many calls I've taken there. Every time I take a call I'll make a tally on a sheet of paper and at the end of the day, count them, add up the total with the existing number, then update it. So we'll see how long I stick with that one. Ok Im bored with this now lol, im done.

Horray!

Well ok so maybe life isn't so bad after all. I just went to kharma and had a good time talking with this girl. She was cool and totally cheered me up which was exactly what I needed. See, I love having a spot where I can go and meet people and just hang out and have a good time. Everyone needs a place like that, a place to get away, horray for Kharma! WOOT

Feeling Broken

Another day, another dawn. So today in the exciting life of Patrick nothing really happened again. I had the third day of training on the job and we don't have it tomorrow because th ey are being audited. I'm getting better on the scooter, I didn't fall off today which is good. I'm still kind of depressed though. I guess it hung over from yesterday morning. I don't know, those dreams just really got me going. I actualy saw her picture on the facebook today. She had changed it from what it was the last time i saw it. I didn't even want to check the profile. I was thinking about it today and I dont even want to know anything about her right now. Not about where she is or what she's doing or anything. Just not ready I suppose. I fucking hate feeling like this. I was told from a friend online that I just need more time and when I thought about it, I guess its only just now been over a month, but damn it feels like it was forever ago. That whole relationship just seems like a dream to me now. I mean I know it happened, and I know what I said and did, but its like it was a different person. Maybe I just feel that way because it hit me so hard that the little piece inside of me, lets call it "the love piece," just snapped in two. And let me tell you... that's a big damn piece. I know the time is coming soon when she will be back in Denton for summer II classes and after that its only a matter of time before I either run into her or she tries to make contact with me, which ever comes first I wish it didn 't have to happen. I still dont know what to say to her or how to act. Do I tell her off and tell her how she destroyed me or do I play it off like shes nothing to me now, which would be a lie. A part of me still wants to run up to her and say all the things I use to say to her but I know I can't. And maybe there is that 1% chance that I do that and she says them all back, then what happens? We play the secret lovers game again? I dont think so... She would still let her mom run her life and I'd still be struggling to make ends meet and fit my self into her rich little world. I dont belong with someone like that. Some rich guy with a fancy car and a big check book will end up with her and God help him. What a mess of a family that is, well I guess its only a mess if they hate you. I'm sure her mom will make sure she ends up with someone "just perfect for her little girl." BLAAA!!! Give me a fucking break. All those damn rich denton bible christian assholes can go to hell.

Enter the Scooter

Yea I know its been almost a week since I last put something in here but so what, it's mine, I can do what I want :) Well this weekend was interesting to say the least. I decided that I needed a new way to get to work for the summer because walking 20min at 7:30am every morning was just not going to work out for me. So me and my mom decided to buy an electric scooter. Now this all seemed like a great idea until we actually bought it and I tried to ride it. It took about 3 seconds to hit the accelerator and fly off, messing up my wrist pretty good. So after trying again a few times I gave up for a few hours. After dinner we took it out to the track at the jr. high and tried it out there. After hours of falling over and over and over and over, and getting extreamly fustraited to the point of tears, I stopped for the night. Let me tell you something people, I am someone who has always worked his entire life to be like everyone else and have always been able to overcome anything I've tried to do, so failing mis erably is something I take EXTREAMLY hard. I just shut my self in my room and didn't want to come out for anything. Of course my mom had to come in and try to "comfort me" when all I wanted is to just be left alone. So what happened, ya bad times happened. For a recap, examine some of the phrases that came up more than once: "Its not fair" "I should have been driving 4 years ago""If dad was still here none of this would be happenin g" The last statement I probably shouldn't have said because damn, that just opened the door to a whole new argument. Anyways, so the next day my mom's boy friend decided to follow up a suggestion I had to put training wheels on it. He took a large slap of metal, bolted it underneith the large metal top of the scooter and attached small wheels to it. It works ok for the most part. I would have prefered the wheels to be permanent and more stable. like just making it have 4 wheels, not just two wheels and two "training wheels." I may go up to home depot and buy new ones later on this week to fix that. I dont care about learning how to ride this the correct way and have no intention of ever taking those off. Its mine, I payed for it, I'm using it, I get to modify it how I want to. Not to mention for sucking my bank account dry this month, I better damn well be able to ride that with out killing my self like I did this weekend, so bigger wheels are coming soon I promise. Ok I'm done.

PS. No audio this time on purpose.

City of Heroes Update

Well time I talked about what's going on in City of Heroes. A few days ago me and one of the original members of PEF, Paragon Elite Force, my super group, and I were talking about how kind of unhappy we were with the group, so instead of trying to change the group, we just made our own with new alts. We haven't pulled our toons off of PEF because we still have friends that we like on there and we just have to much dedication to stick with them to just abandon them all together. But we have made our own group and its called The Front Line. Our motto is, "because they send the best in first." So far its going well, except for this one kid on there who is just really pissing us off. He always begs to be power leveled and is very ungrateful even when we do help him out. So me and the other leaders are probably gonna kick him out soon. Only 4 days into existence, only 9 members, and we are already gonna kick someone out. Maybe that's good though, I mean we wont put up with shit that PEF would. PEF would just ignore them and never do anything about it. Well not in this group. This will be a good group if it kills me. I built them a web page too which is what I've been up to for the last couple of days. Its nothing major, something pretty simple to do I guess. I definitely didn't think about it as much as I did this site. I used the same buttons, just changed the colors. It is kinda fun to update the roster page with new pictures and such and watch the group grow. Today was really stressful for some reason, Im not sure why. Maybe it was because I hadn't been out of the house in like 2 days, so I went to Kharma tonight and got a cup of coffee. I felt better afterwards. I talked to my mom today and she said she doesn't like reading this journal. I guess she's uncomfortable reading my personal thoughts. But I mean I would never put anything on here that I don't mind everyone else knowing. Anyway, that's it for now.

It is Finished!!!

It's FINALLY finished! I've spent the last few days working on completely remaking my portion of this web side. First I started with the buttons, made them into rollovers which I had no idea how to do until Travis told me, then I worked on the front page. It probably took 5 hours on one day, and about 2 more hours of the next day to finish that first page. For some odd reason, IE and Firefox don't read HTML the same way so when I would view my page, it would look normal in IE but really messed up in Firefox. So thats what took an extra 2 hours the next day. Also on day two, I updated this page with the new style and layout. It didn't take to long because most of it was just copy and paste from the front page but making the calanders was particularly fun to do since I had been struggling with how to do them in the other layout. I really like how they are just tucked away nicely right below the buttons now. Today my task has been to update the photo page with 1) the new layout and 2) alot more photos on there since I actually have some. After I got all of that done I wanted to figure out how to make text pop up when you hold your mouse over the picture. That took a little bit of online searching to do, but I did figure it out and I really like it. It adds a nice little flavor to it when you can see comments on the picture. Also, instead of just sizing down a 1.5meg picture for the thumbnail on the main photo page, I actually made smaller versions of the picture and just linked them to the large versions. This should cut down on loading times for anyone who is using still using dial up *cough* Joseph *cough*

Cock-blocked

Another month is gone and a new one begins. That much closer to the return of school and the return of some friends of mine. I was in Kharma this morning and to my surprise there were actualy a few good looking girls in there today. Unfortunitly, two of them were sitting together and the third was sititng with a guy already. I grabed my cup of coffee and sat against the wall so I could keep an eye on the two girls sitting together at one of the booths. Now, its always been a rule of mine to never approach two girls at once, I dont know why, but when girls are together they wont open up because they are trying to show off to their friend. Either one, they will try to out flirt the other if you are cute enough, two they will be afraid to flirt because the other wont think you are cute, or three, they will both be afraid to flirt because their best friend is there and therefore, not talk to you at all. So as i was sitting there just doing my eye candy thing a "smooth" looking black guy comes in and sits strait down with them. I mean he made a bullseye right towards them as soon as he came in. "High my names blablabla, nice to meet yall." I was like wow, that takes balls, but hey he was black, he can get away with it....Thats r ight, I went there. Maybe Im loosing my nerve to go talk to girls, I dont know, but I still like my rule of not meeting girls in groups. Ive made some recent addiitions to my web page. Audio logs and new buttons are some of the things that have gone up. Now Im gonna work on the title and try to format it a little better. Oh ya, I removed the warning from the top of this page, not because it all still doesn't apply, but I need the space for more calanders. Well, see ya next time.