Well I seem to be having a reaccuring theme of random emotions on this page lately, so I might as well keep it going tonight. Isn't it amazing how when you're with someone, you can't imagine what your life would be like with out them, but when you're with out them, you can't seem to remember what life was like with them? I think I've got to that point with the ex now. I seem to find my self thinking about things we did or talks we had and think holy crap, was I actualy that happy? I mean, it feels like it was all this huge fantasy world I was living in for nearly 5 months. As the Metallica song says so well, nothing else matters, when you're with that person. A particular example I was thinking about the other day was all the times she would just come in and take a nap with me. Or I would go over there and do the same. I began to think about what would happen if by some wierd chance, she just came in while I was sleeping and layed down next to me? What if I didn't realize what was going on until I woke up? Wouldn't that be the most awful situation ever to put me in? I wonder if when she gets back she will read any of these entries just to check up on me. I wonder if she still thinks about me as I think about her. I don't think she does because in the following week of our break up, I asked her once, are you as miserable through out the day as I am, and she said she was for a day or so, but then got better. I on t he other hand, remained miserable for quite some time afterward. She said she had been going to parties every night which Im sure was her friends idea. I wonder if she got laid. I wonder if she's gotten laid since she left Denton. If so, do I even want to know? I wonder what will happen when I see her again. How will I react, what will I say, what will I do? Am I thinking to much about this and shouldn't I be in bed right now??? Probably. Do I try to stay friends with her like I did with Desiree? Most of my friends will probably say no, and ya know, I never did listen to them the whole time it was going on, maybe I should this time. Could my mind even take the strain of knowing that she was with someone else? I remember how incredibly hard it was to see and hear about Desiree being with all of her guys after me so I cant even start to think about how much of a disaster it would be for me to know that she was with someone new. I know it will happen and more than likely happen soon after she returns. And by all means Im sure someone will see her with him or heaven forbid I'll run into them together.....*shudders*...... nope not ready for that one yet. How do people do this. This is such a crappy deal and I wish I could just make it all go away. Talk about emotionally destroyed. Why do I allow girls to do this to me. Out of all t he emotions humans have, why does THAT one mean so much more than the others. I wish I could hate her....I know that might seem odd to say, but you know what, it really makes things easier, but I just can't. I've tried to hate her and I just cant convince my self. Out of all the shit I went through, all the crap and stress and greif I took from Denton Bible, her parents, her family, and her friends, I STILL cant hate her. Ok yes, I have gotten to the point where I can look back and say you know, one day I'm going to be much happier with another girl but considering my girlfriends seem to come once every few years, Im left with the fact that she will be with a guy while I'm sitting at home on my computer. Fuck this, fuck her, fuck all her stupid whore friends who fuck everything they see and then act like its ok. Fuck the stupid girls out there who think Men are there fucking play toys that they can mess around with and leave for death. You know what you STD carrying bastards, I hope you all either get pregnant (those of you who haven't already), or get herpies or some other awful STD to where no man will ever want to fucking touch you again. I'm done.......for now.........
oh one more thing..............Why cant I say her name yet with out getting this odd, very uncomfertable feeling in my gut. You'll notice it hasn't appeard in this journal since April 3rd which was the 2cd entry.
