WTF happend to me

this world is a twisted, fucked up place. Why is it that everything before 2003 was easy and everything after is hard?? At what point did life become this roller coaster of ups and downs. Is it Desi? Is it my father? What the fuck happend to me last year that I cant seem to stay happy for more than a week with out hitting one of these lows Its like every week I just want to go away and forget everything. Then I'll be happy again, but then I'll be super depressed again in a few days. Its like a cycle that never ends and just seems to spiral out of control sometimes...........is there ever an end............is there ever a moment when I'll be truely happy again? But when was the last time i was "truely happy?" Was it last semester before i got fired? When i still had stephanie and ashley wanting to hang out with me? If so, why is my happiness determind by others? Why is it since desi broke up with me i cant fall asleep most nights with out holding on to something? What the fuck happend to me and why cant i be happy for more than a few hours or few days at a time?