I should feel happy right now that spring break is coming up but I'm not. Why do I have this really bad feeling about going away for a week? I'm sure getting my car fixed up on saturday will cure me of a lot of these feelings but until then I just have to hang on. I don't want to come back from the break and have things be different. But they always are after a period of not being around each other. I've never been able to sustain anything past a break like this one and I hate that. And it's always their idea. They go away and they think them selves into not wanting to hang around me as much or not do something anymore or they just feel differently about me and I don't ever feel any differently about them. If anything it makes me want to be around them more.
A part of me says im worrying for nothing but I'm really not worrying for nothing because it always happens!! I don't want her emotions to end just because we spent time apart like the others did.
I don't want it to go away.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Friday, March 09, 2007
You Need To Be Happy
Today is friday, and I am thankful for that. I'm trying to keep this journal unspecific and stick to just gernal ideas and emotions but sometimes that is hard to do. You never know who could be reading this.
Things are going good. I have to remind my self sometimes of how good I have it. I have tons of friends, a family who loves me, and I'm in a city that has literally thousands of people around my age who I can go meet. Now granted I'll never meet most of them and probably wouldn't want to know a lot of them, but I could if I wanted to. I feel like this journal has become a self peptalk lately.
This is such a tricky situation I'm in now and I dont think it should be. I'm so afraid of being alone in one way sometimes, I don't stop to think of how not alone I am in other ways. Ok so what, I dont have a girlfriend, is that really such a big deal? Can I not be happy being single? Many other people are. Can we just fast forward to like 4 months from now please? I'd really appreciate that.
Patrick, I'm going to tell you what everyone is telling you right now...You Need To Be Happy. Everyone just wants you to figure out how to get that way and then stay there. I figured I was doing a good job but apparently you still need to work on that my friend. And no one read this thinking that I mope around all day being depressed because...well...maybe sometimes I do....but not most of the time.
Ok I'm done.
Things are going good. I have to remind my self sometimes of how good I have it. I have tons of friends, a family who loves me, and I'm in a city that has literally thousands of people around my age who I can go meet. Now granted I'll never meet most of them and probably wouldn't want to know a lot of them, but I could if I wanted to. I feel like this journal has become a self peptalk lately.
This is such a tricky situation I'm in now and I dont think it should be. I'm so afraid of being alone in one way sometimes, I don't stop to think of how not alone I am in other ways. Ok so what, I dont have a girlfriend, is that really such a big deal? Can I not be happy being single? Many other people are. Can we just fast forward to like 4 months from now please? I'd really appreciate that.
Patrick, I'm going to tell you what everyone is telling you right now...You Need To Be Happy. Everyone just wants you to figure out how to get that way and then stay there. I figured I was doing a good job but apparently you still need to work on that my friend. And no one read this thinking that I mope around all day being depressed because...well...maybe sometimes I do....but not most of the time.
Ok I'm done.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Different is Good
"I wont worry my life away. I wont, I wont I wont worry my life way" Jason Mraz
I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.
yea i know that guy is lame but come on, its a good quote. Why worry about stuff I can't control. People have to chose what is good for them selves and not what others want for them. Maybe that was my mistake. I woke up this morning kinda bummed still but as the day went on I got better. It really helps that its an amazing day out side. The wind is a little cool but with a long sleeve shirt on, i feel pretty good. I think last night became something WAY over blown when it was suppose to be much simpler and calmer talk. I wonder how much of that was my fault. I suppose I have some blame in it.
You know what, I need to go back to doing whats right for me first. I'm not saying her needs aren't important because they are, but they dont come first in my life. No one should put others needs before their own. Maybe that sounds selfish but it's got to be true or you're going to go crazy. And whats the worst that can happen? I go back to normal before I met her...oh no!! Being unattached isn't so bad. I mean, you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Ok, so I wouldn't have anyone to really share my personal thoughts and feelings with. And I wouldn't have someone who shares that very deep connection with me. Yes that would suck....bad.....but thats why I'm not just blowing her off and we are going to try to remain being friends still. I suppose I could go back to not being friends, but thats immature and stupid. I dont want to give up a good friend because shes to busy. And who knows, maybe in a while, a long while, we'll try this again on a more involved level. But im done worrying about all of this. From here on out, I control my own emotions and my own actions. I will still see her when I can but it will be different from here on out and different will be better for us.
No more reading her journal anymore man, seriously. Her thoughts are her thoughts and they should stay that way. If you cant trust your self to not go crazy over something, just stop reading it.
I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.
I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.
yea i know that guy is lame but come on, its a good quote. Why worry about stuff I can't control. People have to chose what is good for them selves and not what others want for them. Maybe that was my mistake. I woke up this morning kinda bummed still but as the day went on I got better. It really helps that its an amazing day out side. The wind is a little cool but with a long sleeve shirt on, i feel pretty good. I think last night became something WAY over blown when it was suppose to be much simpler and calmer talk. I wonder how much of that was my fault. I suppose I have some blame in it.
You know what, I need to go back to doing whats right for me first. I'm not saying her needs aren't important because they are, but they dont come first in my life. No one should put others needs before their own. Maybe that sounds selfish but it's got to be true or you're going to go crazy. And whats the worst that can happen? I go back to normal before I met her...oh no!! Being unattached isn't so bad. I mean, you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Ok, so I wouldn't have anyone to really share my personal thoughts and feelings with. And I wouldn't have someone who shares that very deep connection with me. Yes that would suck....bad.....but thats why I'm not just blowing her off and we are going to try to remain being friends still. I suppose I could go back to not being friends, but thats immature and stupid. I dont want to give up a good friend because shes to busy. And who knows, maybe in a while, a long while, we'll try this again on a more involved level. But im done worrying about all of this. From here on out, I control my own emotions and my own actions. I will still see her when I can but it will be different from here on out and different will be better for us.
No more reading her journal anymore man, seriously. Her thoughts are her thoughts and they should stay that way. If you cant trust your self to not go crazy over something, just stop reading it.
I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.
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