Still thinking

I told travis what happend saturday night. He had some good words of encouragement and some good questions to ask. I told him what I could and probably a little more than I said that night. Now that I can look back, i think i should have said things that night. But i didn't. I dont even know if I should tell them now. I know i have changed since last year and my views on relationships and how I should handle them are MUCH different than what I did last year. I wouldn't be so damn smothering and I wouldn't need to spend every waking hour with the girl anymore. ARRGG.....But I dont know if that would change anything.....man i hate what ifs. They just make you sad and depressed. Still haven't figured things out yet. Still not ready to talk. I need more time to figure things out. The one person I want to run and talk to is the person I cant go to. Wow, deja vu.

This needs to be read from start to end, dont skip around or skim through it

24 hours later and Im still not sure how to write any of this down and not really sure if i should. I wont say what happend because thats personal and between me and who it was with. I do however want to talk about what happend afterwards.

I didn't get to sleep until 6am. I just sat here....alone in my room......thinking and listening to music. I eventualy went to the desk and sat with the guy who was working. Well not really sat with him, more like sat on the floor in front of the desk and watched whatever he was watching. I dont know...i couldn't look at him....he knew what was going on and that made me feel weird. Ive known him since I got here...and its getting harder to look at him each time i see him.

After i finaly did fall asleep and wake up at like 1, i walked around campus for about 2 hours. I was so close walking down to the bus stop i was at yesterday and just taking off. I wanted to get on that bus and let it take me as far as possible. I wanted to call my mom and have her come get me and take me away from all this mess. Thoughts ran through my mind that I hadn't thought about in a long time. thoughts like leaving school for good and thoughts like running away. Thoughts of putting blame on my parents for creating such a fucked up home to raise 3 boys who all now have emotional problems to work out. Thoughts of hating my self and everyone around me. Thoughts of...........well...............bad ones........... ones I haven't thought about in many many years.

I didn't want to talk to anyone today. I left my self invisible unless I had an away message up so I didn't have to worry about anyone IMing me. What do I say to you? What do I do? I know you are a great friend and I know how much you want happiness for me. I want happiness for you too....honestly....i really do. But this isn't it.....far from it. I did however go out with Son to best buy and Kroger. I figured I needed to get out with someone.

I think I need counciling. I think I need to get the hell out of this dorm. The more i look at coming back next year the more I feel like i dont want to. I dont even know if i want to come back to this school at all. How can I afford it? Jeremy still has another semester at Baylor left. My moms not making enough money as it is so.....I dont know. I dont know much of anything anymore.

I do know I have alot of friends here who would miss me alot. Travis, my best friend for 3 years now. Its been a ton of fun so far and I hope it contiues to be. Son, your kind of an older brother figure to me I suppose. I learn alot from you like computers, but mostly I'll remember your stories when your gone. You've been here along time so I'd like to think I'll be here to tell them when you leave. Joseph, your sleeping about 5 feet from me right now and you never read this, but in case you do, Im really lucky I got you as a roomie this year. You taught me Macs aren't all bad and made me a little more accepting of people. Brittnay....you were there for me last night when I needed someone to talk to...thank you so much. I know we didn't talk long but it helped. You've always been there for me and I hope I've returned the favor for you cuz I've tried to.

Now Desi....you didn't think I'd leave you out of this did you? lol I bet if i counted up all the times I mentioned a person in this entire journal, I'll bet you are mentioned twice as much as anyone else. Most of this could be put together in a book and you could name it The Adventures of Patrick and Desi. I suppose you know everything there is to know really. What can I tell you I haven't already told you in private. Sorry for somethings....alot of things.....thank you from the bottom of my heart for others. Oh and remember last night when you said that every memory I have of you is bad?? Thats full of shit. Weather you want to believe me or not, I have plenty of good memories about you. Why do you think I remember all of your clothes or random things you told me like blue berrys. Remember the night my parents came up....good times. Remember the music building....very good times :) What about our first kiss or the time you said yes we can give us a try? What about the night on Thanksgiving break you stayed up with me all night on the phone just so I wouldn't be alone? What about when travis knocked on the door when we were....busy....and I had to tell him to go away...remember that? What about those nights at Kharma getting ice or all the times we went to clark? Those and many more, are ALL memories that I wouldn't EVER throw away for anything. So dont ever think that all my memories of you are bad cuz thats totaly not true.

*sigh* I dont know what tomorrow's gonna bring and I dont know where Im gonna end up or who I'll end up with. I dont want to talk about any of this in person to anyone. Nobody ask me about this. Everything you need to know is here so im not telling you any more than whats already here. If I want you to know I'll bring it up to you later in person, so Dont Ask.

Thats it. im done.

A bad day that turned good.....really good

Today was an interesting day. I woke up feeling kinda grumpy and down over last night, but shelley IMed me from her cell phone during her class to see how I was doing so that made it a little better. Then I went and talked to Desi before my first class and that made me a bit happier too. I then went to history and then to my Comm1010 class where I found out i have a paper do in a few weeks. But luckily, its the exact same assignment as my Comm2020 paper that was due a few weeks ago. So all i have to do is reprint it and turn it in :)

After that me, laural, and lana went to lunch at Bruce. We sat and talked for over an hour just about anything we could think of really. It was alot of fun to just talk to people I didn't really know all that well, learn new things about new people you know? After we finaly left, me josesph and son went to CiCi's to eat then to Best Buy to hang out and talk to the girls like we always do. They were out of Pepsi's though so we were pretty dissapointed. When we finaly got back it was around 8:30 i think. Well, shelley eventualy gets online and decides she has to clean her room so she calls me on her cell. First time ive heard her voice. She really doesn't sound that young. She doesn't even act that young either. Infact, when i picked up the phone and she said hello, i thought it was Desi for a second. It was diffenitly different listening to her for a change in stead of watching words pop up on a screen. It was good though, she had fun, i had fun. Shes a good friend.

So yea, it was an interesting day. I guess I'll see how tomorrow turns out. Hopefully it will be at least some kind of good like this one was.

Happy Bday Desiree

I went to Desi's bday party tonight. By that I mean that me, her, chris (her guy), alex, shunta, and kisha went bowling. Well shunta and kisha didn't bowl, but they were at least there for a little while. I didn't quite know if i should be going or not, just because of history, but I decided to go because I know shes trying to make me happy in what she does so I should try to make her happy as well. And if she wants me there, Im there. Also, I didn't get to spend her bday with her last year cuz....well.....we wont get into that, point is i didn't spend it with her.

Anywayz, I ended up bowling a great game of 121. Thats my second best score ever. I would have beaten my record of 126 if I hadn't bowled ONE pin in the sixth frame. Oh well, afterwards we went back to Chris' room where we ate cake. After that I decided it was time for me to make my exit. I followed Desi to the bathroom and wished a happy birthday. Now Im just gonna sit in my room and hang out. I guess it was a good time. I tried to be as happy as I could be, which seemed to be harder and harder as the night went along, but I kept my spirits up for Desi and I did have fun bowling. There's nothing like a night bowling :) Well, thats about all for me.

A little diddy

Heres a cool song I just got off of itunes today. Its called Brokenheartsville by Joe Nichols. We heard it on the radio going down to san antonio this weekend which by the way was an awesome trip. It was funny cuz it fit me, my brothers, and even my mom. We all just kinda sang along by the last chorus. it was great :) Well here are the lyrics.

Brokenheartsville
by: Joe Nichols

He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns.
Sweet-talkin' forked tongue haf a temptin' charm.
Before I turned around, that girl was gone.
All I can say is: "Bartender, pour me somethin' strong."

Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.

It was long on chrome, sittin' in the lot.
An' fire engine red, that thing was hot.
He revved it up, she waved goodbye.
Well, love's gone to hell and so have I.

Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.

In other news, talked to Shelley today and found out something interesting. I was reading her journal and she had filled out one of those email survey things. Well the interesting part was her age. When we first started talking that day in the chat room, she said she was about to turn 16.....well the survey said she was only 14. So after we talked for a little bit tonight i brought it up. Turns out she was lying the whole time about her age :( i was kinda dissapointed in her. She's a good person to talk to and she makes me laugh, but you cant lie to people when all you have to go on is their word to start out with. Well, if your reading this, dont feel bad, i think i understand why you did and I forgive you for it. I promise i wont make fun of you TOO much for it lol. Well, ok thats it.

oh yea i changed my picture. injoy

ok this message is really for one person and she knows who she is.

Yea i know i said 11:30 last night, but my mom showed up earlier than i thought....so.....sorry i couldn't talk to you before i left. I thought about calling your cell but didn't want to wake you up. I hope you have a good weekend and I'll be back sunday night sometime so maybe we can catch up then. Dont get into any trouble while Im gone and if you need someone to talk to Im sure you have plenty of friends there to help you make it. Thanks for keeping me company this week on my break cuz i would have been bored to tears with out someone to talk to lol. Like I've said before, you better still be my friend after I get back unlike that other girl last week I told you about cuz I'll come kick your ass if you dont lol jk, but i would be pretty dissapointed. Well I gotta get to packing. So I guess we should of said 11 after alll cuz maybe we could have talked lol. Oh well, tty when I get back. Feel free to leave me messages online cuz Im gonna keep my computer on. Well, thats it. Bye :)

OMG....a good day!!!

I actualy had my first good day in a long time!! HOORAY!!!

Its spring break and Im here at school cuz my plans got canceled. So, day after day i get to just sit here in my room for hours on end doing pretty much whatever i want to. I met this really cool girl in a chat room today though. Her name is Shelley and she lives somewhere close to arlington, didn't tell me exactly where. We ended up talking all day pretty much. Shes going through guy problems so I gave her some advice and wished her the best. Turns out she must have really liked what I said cuz she kept coming back to talk to me again through out the day. She digs cowboy hats....score. Shes a country girl and a christian which makes it all more better. Shes going to six flags tomorrow so I'll have to find a new person to talk to all day. But yea, even though SOMEBODY nearly detroyed it, i dont let mis communications blow up into big things. i just move on.

So yes, good day. and now im going to bed and try to see if i can sleep until 8pm lol why 8pm....i dont know....just sounds good.

PS. Desi kicked a girls ass!!!!!! YOU RULE!!

Song For Dad

This is a song writen by a country singer named Keith Urban. He is pretty cool. The song is called Song for Dad and if you know anything about MY father, you'll understand why I actualy laughed out loud when i heard this today. Here are the lyrics.

Lately I've been noticing
I say the same things he used to say
And I even find myself acting the very same way
I tap my fingers on the table
To the rhythm in my soul
And I jingle the car keys
When I'm ready to go
When I look in the mirror
He's right there in my eyes
Starin' back at me and I realize

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

There were times I thought he was bein'
Just a little bit hard on me
But now I understand he was makin' me
Become the man he knew that I could be
In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I'm proud today to say I'm his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have

He's in my eyes
My heart, my soul
My hands, my pride
And when I feel alone

And I think I can't go on
I hear him sayin' "Son you'll be alright"
Everything's gonna be alright"
Yes it is

A little more of my father in me
I hope everyday I see in me
In me
In me
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me


So yea that song is always good for a laugh :)

alrighty...lets go

I went to TRHA this weekend. It was really fun. Met a bunch of new people, mostly girls :) Got 3 emails from them and danced the Nsync dance for the whole place with Derek. It was SO cool.

Turns out Im not going to go see kayla this week and I didn't get to see stacy on sunday like i wanted to either. So, my plans for this week are pretty much shot. I guess I'll just stay up here all week until we go to San Antonio on Friday if we still go. My moms car broke down, so we'll see if we can get it fixed on time.

Desi, what ever you do, be safe and be smart about it.

Kayla, ok im sorry i said that, i shouldn't have used those exact words. But i still dont think you should allow this to happen.

Haven't talked to Leslie in forever. I wonder if she knows im still here...

Alrighty, i guess thats it for now.

WTF happend to me

this world is a twisted, fucked up place. Why is it that everything before 2003 was easy and everything after is hard?? At what point did life become this roller coaster of ups and downs. Is it Desi? Is it my father? What the fuck happend to me last year that I cant seem to stay happy for more than a week with out hitting one of these lows Its like every week I just want to go away and forget everything. Then I'll be happy again, but then I'll be super depressed again in a few days. Its like a cycle that never ends and just seems to spiral out of control sometimes...........is there ever an end............is there ever a moment when I'll be truely happy again? But when was the last time i was "truely happy?" Was it last semester before i got fired? When i still had stephanie and ashley wanting to hang out with me? If so, why is my happiness determind by others? Why is it since desi broke up with me i cant fall asleep most nights with out holding on to something? What the fuck happend to me and why cant i be happy for more than a few hours or few days at a time?

Cheers

Heres to catching up with old friends and making new ones. I hope the future brings brighter days for all of us.

Well, after a rough last night and a long time of thinking and talking it over with friends, I told Desi I think we need to spend some more time away from each other. Its just getting a little to hard for me to see her with other guys and my life is just suddenly getting to complicated like it was last year. I guess its just unfinished emtions that I haven't delt with yet. I got around them last year because I just went to hating her with all my friends so I didn't have to deal with it, but now, since we are friends, I have to learn how to deal with her being with other guys. My friend said that its just another step that everyone has to go through and yea it really sucks, but i'll get through it. Just give it time and everything gets better. Later in the day, Desi sent me a song and said that it fits me alot. I like to see it as a message from her. Its called I hope you dance by Lee Ann Womack. here are the lyrics.

Lee Ann Womack
I Hope You Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
GOD forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
LOVIN' MIGHT BE A MISTAKE BUT ITS WORTH MAKIN'
DONT LET SOME HELL BENT HEART LEAVE YOU BITTER,
WHEN YOU COME CLOSE TO SELLING OUT RECONSIDER
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along,
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone.)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

Dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance.
I hope you dance....I hope you dance..
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone

Its a good song and I really like it. I remember I got rid of it last year because it made me think of her to much. But maybe now it will be a way to remember that things will get better one day. Thanks Desi

An Interesting Story

Walking to class one day, I was day dreaming about a possible future that might happen. The story goes like this...

Im in my interpersonal communications class, which is all about relationships, Desiree ends up being in my resitation class. The TA tells us to circle up our desks and asks us to talk about relationships we once had. After a few people talk about theirs, the TA suddenly calls on me and asks, "Patrick, tell us about a relation ship you once had." Now keep in mind Desi is sitting right accross from me in the cirlce. The first part of the story would happen like this...

"I had a girl friend once. She was really cool and really sweet. It took us a while to get together, but eventualy it was really awesome." The TA then asks. "Well that sounds pretty good. What happend?"

"Well, she had done things that I couldn't really bring my self to get over. They weren't towards me, but I still found it hard to forget about them, yea i know im a jerk. I would bring them up and kinda hold them against her. And our beliefs just didn't match up. So eventualy, it was just to much for her to deal with and she broke up with me." After the class gives a collective "awwww" the TA then asks, "well im sorry to hear that. If she were here right now, what would you say to her?" Now at this point, the story goes a number of different ways depending on how I feel about her at the time. First we will start off as though I hate her to no end.

1. "You are a dirty slut."
2. " I tried everything to get over you and it was still the worst time in my life. I hate you!!."
3. "You should have tried to make it work, you didn't even give me a chance!"
4. "I'll kill you if you ever try to hurt me again."
5. " I needed you that semester and you just through me away!"

Or we could go the oppisite way and pretend I love her.
1. "I miss you soooo much."
2. "I've never stoped caring about you."
3. "I wished we could try again."
4. "Old flames die hard, so lets see if we can rekendle that fire baby."

But in reality I dont feel any of those things are true, maybe bits of each emotion are true, but none of them as a whole. So, if this actualy happend tomorrow the answer I would most likely give would go something like....

"if she were here now, I would tell her you know, we had really good times, like the night after you met my parents (smiling really big). (everyone laughs) But serously, if she were here now, I would say, sometimes I do miss the good times, and Im sorry for being such a jerk alot of times, but I understand why you broke up with me and Im ok with that now and Im just happy I have you back in life, even if we dont feel the same about each other now."

After that, I would give her a quick glance and a smile and after class probably a big hug. Then id probably say something sarcastic like, "so that was a great class. Dont you think?"

And thats my story.