This needs to be read from start to end, dont skip around or skim through it

24 hours later and Im still not sure how to write any of this down and not really sure if i should. I wont say what happend because thats personal and between me and who it was with. I do however want to talk about what happend afterwards.

I didn't get to sleep until 6am. I just sat here....alone in my room......thinking and listening to music. I eventualy went to the desk and sat with the guy who was working. Well not really sat with him, more like sat on the floor in front of the desk and watched whatever he was watching. I dont know...i couldn't look at him....he knew what was going on and that made me feel weird. Ive known him since I got here...and its getting harder to look at him each time i see him.

After i finaly did fall asleep and wake up at like 1, i walked around campus for about 2 hours. I was so close walking down to the bus stop i was at yesterday and just taking off. I wanted to get on that bus and let it take me as far as possible. I wanted to call my mom and have her come get me and take me away from all this mess. Thoughts ran through my mind that I hadn't thought about in a long time. thoughts like leaving school for good and thoughts like running away. Thoughts of putting blame on my parents for creating such a fucked up home to raise 3 boys who all now have emotional problems to work out. Thoughts of hating my self and everyone around me. Thoughts of...........well...............bad ones........... ones I haven't thought about in many many years.

I didn't want to talk to anyone today. I left my self invisible unless I had an away message up so I didn't have to worry about anyone IMing me. What do I say to you? What do I do? I know you are a great friend and I know how much you want happiness for me. I want happiness for you too....honestly....i really do. But this isn't it.....far from it. I did however go out with Son to best buy and Kroger. I figured I needed to get out with someone.

I think I need counciling. I think I need to get the hell out of this dorm. The more i look at coming back next year the more I feel like i dont want to. I dont even know if i want to come back to this school at all. How can I afford it? Jeremy still has another semester at Baylor left. My moms not making enough money as it is so.....I dont know. I dont know much of anything anymore.

I do know I have alot of friends here who would miss me alot. Travis, my best friend for 3 years now. Its been a ton of fun so far and I hope it contiues to be. Son, your kind of an older brother figure to me I suppose. I learn alot from you like computers, but mostly I'll remember your stories when your gone. You've been here along time so I'd like to think I'll be here to tell them when you leave. Joseph, your sleeping about 5 feet from me right now and you never read this, but in case you do, Im really lucky I got you as a roomie this year. You taught me Macs aren't all bad and made me a little more accepting of people. Brittnay....you were there for me last night when I needed someone to talk to...thank you so much. I know we didn't talk long but it helped. You've always been there for me and I hope I've returned the favor for you cuz I've tried to.

Now Desi....you didn't think I'd leave you out of this did you? lol I bet if i counted up all the times I mentioned a person in this entire journal, I'll bet you are mentioned twice as much as anyone else. Most of this could be put together in a book and you could name it The Adventures of Patrick and Desi. I suppose you know everything there is to know really. What can I tell you I haven't already told you in private. Sorry for somethings....alot of things.....thank you from the bottom of my heart for others. Oh and remember last night when you said that every memory I have of you is bad?? Thats full of shit. Weather you want to believe me or not, I have plenty of good memories about you. Why do you think I remember all of your clothes or random things you told me like blue berrys. Remember the night my parents came up....good times. Remember the music building....very good times :) What about our first kiss or the time you said yes we can give us a try? What about the night on Thanksgiving break you stayed up with me all night on the phone just so I wouldn't be alone? What about when travis knocked on the door when we were....busy....and I had to tell him to go away...remember that? What about those nights at Kharma getting ice or all the times we went to clark? Those and many more, are ALL memories that I wouldn't EVER throw away for anything. So dont ever think that all my memories of you are bad cuz thats totaly not true.

*sigh* I dont know what tomorrow's gonna bring and I dont know where Im gonna end up or who I'll end up with. I dont want to talk about any of this in person to anyone. Nobody ask me about this. Everything you need to know is here so im not telling you any more than whats already here. If I want you to know I'll bring it up to you later in person, so Dont Ask.

Thats it. im done.