The Story So Far

Summer school is almost done finally. I all I have to do is turn in my research proposal on monday and I'll be done.

iPhone

Today is the day that will change cell phones forever. I am about to leave to for Tulsa, OK so for the new Apple Store opening with Joseph and Hannah. In just a few hours we will have felt its warm glow on our soft hands. I pray we have a safe trip through the flooded area's of OK. I'm not going to jinx it by saying "if i dont come back bla bla bla" so I'll just say that I will be posting my review of the iPhone when I get back Saturday. Wish us luck!!

Exams are on the mind

So bla bla bla, no one ever reads this stupid thing anyway.

Sitting here in Art Six taking a break from Pokemon. I finally got to the next city after about an hour of trying to get past these two trainers. Also my starter pokemon, Turtwig who i nicknamed Maximus, has evolved into its final form so I am happy enough. Took what is, I pray, my last French thing ever. It was rough to say the least. I ran into half the comm department at Rip Rocks friday night...boy that was strange. Dr. Treat said he wants me in his Rhetorical Methods class so I'm suppose to stop by his office so he can fit me in. I also applied for a new job in the GAB computer lab. I hope I get this job.

I hate summer, it gets lonelier every year.

Life Goes On...Slowly

There's a saying that goes goes something like this: When life gives you sour grapes, make wine" Yea I think I'm still at the sour grapes part.

How does Liesl always manage to keep these so entertaining? Hers are always deep and moving. Mine always tend to be depressing which I just told her yesterday I hate reading. No wonder no one reads this anymore. Mean while, she has a loyal band of followers, including me, who read hers religiously. I guess thats the difference between me and her.

Spider-man 3 is tonight so that will be sweet. I almost don't want to go knowing who will be there. But Denton is a small town so I better get use to it. I did with the others.

Class sucked yesterday. And it's going to suck today too. I'm so angry lately at everything. I just want to like spread it around you know?

Frustration sets in.

Slow Dancing

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I wish I could be happy with someone. Why is it that as soon as I am able to make my self pretty much happy being single, I find someone who I really like and then it all blows up? I dont get it at all. Its like my love life is one of those Japanese water fountans that drips into a bamboo post and when it fills up, the post will tip over and let the water run out. So as soon as my life fills up with to much happiness i tip over and all of it runs away. Life is just so depressing sometimes I think there's no purpose to it anymore. I use to know what I wanted and how I was going to get there. Now I know what I want but have no idea how to get there. I remember sitting here in the union and I couldn't wait to see her again. Now its a source of frustration.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

I Don't Want To Go

I should feel happy right now that spring break is coming up but I'm not. Why do I have this really bad feeling about going away for a week? I'm sure getting my car fixed up on saturday will cure me of a lot of these feelings but until then I just have to hang on. I don't want to come back from the break and have things be different. But they always are after a period of not being around each other. I've never been able to sustain anything past a break like this one and I hate that. And it's always their idea. They go away and they think them selves into not wanting to hang around me as much or not do something anymore or they just feel differently about me and I don't ever feel any differently about them. If anything it makes me want to be around them more.

A part of me says im worrying for nothing but I'm really not worrying for nothing because it always happens!! I don't want her emotions to end just because we spent time apart like the others did.

I don't want it to go away.

You Need To Be Happy

Today is friday, and I am thankful for that. I'm trying to keep this journal unspecific and stick to just gernal ideas and emotions but sometimes that is hard to do. You never know who could be reading this.

Things are going good. I have to remind my self sometimes of how good I have it. I have tons of friends, a family who loves me, and I'm in a city that has literally thousands of people around my age who I can go meet. Now granted I'll never meet most of them and probably wouldn't want to know a lot of them, but I could if I wanted to. I feel like this journal has become a self peptalk lately.

This is such a tricky situation I'm in now and I dont think it should be. I'm so afraid of being alone in one way sometimes, I don't stop to think of how not alone I am in other ways. Ok so what, I dont have a girlfriend, is that really such a big deal? Can I not be happy being single? Many other people are. Can we just fast forward to like 4 months from now please? I'd really appreciate that.

Patrick, I'm going to tell you what everyone is telling you right now...You Need To Be Happy. Everyone just wants you to figure out how to get that way and then stay there. I figured I was doing a good job but apparently you still need to work on that my friend. And no one read this thinking that I mope around all day being depressed because...well...maybe sometimes I do....but not most of the time.

Ok I'm done.

Different is Good

"I wont worry my life away. I wont, I wont I wont worry my life way" Jason Mraz

I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.

yea i know that guy is lame but come on, its a good quote. Why worry about stuff I can't control. People have to chose what is good for them selves and not what others want for them. Maybe that was my mistake. I woke up this morning kinda bummed still but as the day went on I got better. It really helps that its an amazing day out side. The wind is a little cool but with a long sleeve shirt on, i feel pretty good. I think last night became something WAY over blown when it was suppose to be much simpler and calmer talk. I wonder how much of that was my fault. I suppose I have some blame in it.

You know what, I need to go back to doing whats right for me first. I'm not saying her needs aren't important because they are, but they dont come first in my life. No one should put others needs before their own. Maybe that sounds selfish but it's got to be true or you're going to go crazy. And whats the worst that can happen? I go back to normal before I met her...oh no!! Being unattached isn't so bad. I mean, you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Ok, so I wouldn't have anyone to really share my personal thoughts and feelings with. And I wouldn't have someone who shares that very deep connection with me. Yes that would suck....bad.....but thats why I'm not just blowing her off and we are going to try to remain being friends still. I suppose I could go back to not being friends, but thats immature and stupid. I dont want to give up a good friend because shes to busy. And who knows, maybe in a while, a long while, we'll try this again on a more involved level. But im done worrying about all of this. From here on out, I control my own emotions and my own actions. I will still see her when I can but it will be different from here on out and different will be better for us.

No more reading her journal anymore man, seriously. Her thoughts are her thoughts and they should stay that way. If you cant trust your self to not go crazy over something, just stop reading it.

I am happy today and Liesl's party is going to rock and I cant wait to go putt putting this afternoon. I've waited for years to go to this place and nothing...NOTHING...is going to ruin my day.

Liesl is leaving in a little over a week and is throwing her goodbye party on friday. I'm taking Bethany so they will at least get to meet once before I lose Liesl for 5 months. I hope this turns out well. I haven't taken a girl to a party since I took Angelica to Brendan's bday party. The most I remember about that night is we went home and had sex in like 3 different rooms in the house and took a bath together. What a crazy night. Well for my relationships sake, lets hope things dont get quite that crazy friday.

You had a talk with Bethany two days ago about the physical side of relationships. You started to grab her butt and pull it closer to you and you took off her jacket and had your hand up her shirt. You took it to far dude and probably ruined your future make out sessions for a while.

Remember, you like Bethany, not just Bethany's body. She is more than her looks and her boobs and her ass. She is so much more than that to you. She is a great girl and if you screw this one up you'll never forgive your self. Pray about it and keep in mind that God is calling you to be a good man this time. Don't scare her away simply because you want to cop a feel once or twice. Remember, no neck kissing from here on either. Your hands stay off of her body unless its touching her arm or face or some other normally unsexual body part.

DO NOT MESS THIS ONE UP!!

Bethany had a panic attack yesterday. A very mild one, but her mom still said thats what it was. So, ok, one panic attack is no big deal, but I will not be drug into another Angelica or Desiree. No thank you. Not when they were having them like once a week. What a nightmare that was. I hope Bethany is doing alright today as she decided to stay home from work and just do hw all day.

Cute

I'm sitting in the union by Jasmin's and I
saw a couple outside sitting on the bench.
They seemed to be having a great time in
the warm spring sun this morning. As she
would laugh, she would do the flirting thing
where she would like touch his arm or gently
slap his leg. It was really very cute. Made me
think about things and it made me happy
to see others happy. Horray for warm days.

Over Analyzing

Emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas...they run through my head a lot. Especially at all the wrong times. But then again, maybe it was the right time. Is it better to over analyze a situation or is it better to just "go with the flow." Sometimes I think my flow is going right off a cliff so, maybe sometimes you shouldn't just watch things happen. You have to take a stand and say "look, here is how it should be." And then when you do, you'll feel better about it. Don't lose focus on what is important in life though. Remember why you are here and how you got to where you are today. If you keep that in mind, you should have an easier time trying to figure things out. You're not going any where any time soon, so have patience and the resolve to press on correctly.

Peace

A Cool Head

its very hard sometimes to keep a cool head about Bethany. In my past relationships, and this isn't even an official one yet, we always rushed right into it. But this time things are moving at a very different pace. I find it fustraitingly healthy. I want to run kinda full speed into it and start defining everything and putting a label on it and change my facebook status but I know I can't because she would freak out.

And i ask my self, am i not happy with the way things are now? Of course I'm happy. And so what if she backs out in a week or two and decides this isn't what she wants. I'll just got back to being my self again and keep looking for the right girl. I'm not in love with her or anything. I'm not even her bf, so I could still pull out of this two if I feel something isn't going right.

I guess its better this way. You know, having a normal relationship where we date for a while, then label it as going out weeks down the road. Patience is the key here Patrick.

Patience.

2 Days To Go

Its been about two and a half years since my last relationship and here I find my self seriously starting a new one. But there are questions to be asked. Here in my...fortress of solitude, we shall try to find the answers. So, here we go.

What is a relationship and what does it entail?
A relationship is when two people, who care very much about each other, enter into a formal bond to not emotionally or physically be with another person in the same way. This would mean being able to trust each other with certain aspects of your life and giving them pieces of your heart that no one else is allowed to have. Lets go deeper into trust for a second.

Trust in a relationship is huge. If you dont trust your girlfriend in a lot of ways, then it can lead to jealousy and smothering. Nothing can kill a relationship than those two things. In fact they probably lead into and cause each other. If you're jealous of someone else, you'll cling to your girlfriend like glue and smother her to death. I learned this lesson the hard way with my first girlfriend. I was jealous and tried to solve that by being very close to her all the time. The relationship only lasted about a month and a half.

Back to the topic of giving her pieces of your heart. Sometimes I wonder that maybe I shouldn't ever allow my self to get to close to someone again. Lets face it, the odds of it working out are 1 out of however many girls I will date in my entire life. Because in order for it to work out, we have to get married. I mean, isn't that what happens when you have a "successful relationship?" And even the odds of you having a successful marriage slim enough already? I know the divorce rate is up to 60%. But I digress...Do I truly want a long term relationship? Yes of course I do. I just dont want to get screwed over again. Angelica seemed like such a great person for quite sometime until I started going out with her and things fell apart. I remember when the first sign of problems started with Angelica about 2 weeks in. I sat there and thought to my self, do I want to go with this or get out now while I wasn't still attached? And I chose to keep going.

Now I find my self in that place again. Of course I dont have any signs of it not working out so far, but I just thought that I like her, but I'm not so attached yet that I couldn't stop it you know? But I feel my self getting more attached as the days go by and as we hang out and talk more.

Or, perhaps I'm just really over analyzing this and I should just enjoy my time with her for as long as I can. Yea I like that idea best.

It's So Weird

You know, I dont know why we get that feeling. You know that feeling. The feeling like you want to sit in a room with all the lights off, put some deep, thoughtful music on, and just relax for a while. Maybe I'm just still tired from the day. I did have to take an hour power nap at Mandy's just so I could have enough energy to get through Public Speaking today. I didn't even do much today really. In Performance of Lit I had a 2 minute speech and then did nothing besides watch everyone else. In french all we did was watch a movie and in public speaking we just got into a group and wrote a fake speech outline.

After our Apple Users Group meeting, I came home to an empty house and just sat with my cat and listened to some music in the living room. I know now why my roommate keeps doing the same thing. I think it's more peaceful down here than up in our rooms. I never take the time to just listen anymore. I'm not really listening for anything really, just listening to silence I guess. Listening to the sounds of my neighbor's kids running up the stairs or to the drip of the kitchen sink that never stops. Listening to the sound of my keys typing or of my cat purring next to me. I'm glad I have a cat again. its nice to have something friendly to come home to that does nothing but want affection from me.

Maybe its the rain. I need sun shine for crying out loud! Everyone is sick except for me, that stupid Valentines Day is coming up on wednesday and of course I'm STILL single for the 3rd year in a row.... horray. It's a stupid holiday anyway.

If this weekend did anything, it helped me to see that God isn't going to leave me high and dry with no friends left here in Denton. I have been worrying for a while that as my friends leave this town, I would be left with no one to talk to. I guess God has a way of slapping you in the face sometime. Desiree told me last week that she has always noticed how I can make new friends so quickly even when others can't. Well, its 10pm and I'm tired. Maybe I'll go bed early tonight and see what happens. Later.

For Future Referense

Ok im going to write this down because if I dont I know I'm going to forget so much stuff.

Friday - Went to Lucky Lou's with Dawn where way to many people bought me drinks and Liesl came to take me home. Bethany, a girl from public speaking IMed me so we talked until 3am.

Saturday - woke up and watched Barack Obama announce he is running for president. Then decided to go with Bethany take our extra credit library tour for our public speaking class. When that fell through, we went to meet her friends from back home and went to jimmy johns. Then we all went back to her place and played Guitar Hero II. Then went to Hooligans, out to dinner, then to Texas Jive (which was lame), then back to her place for more Guitar Hero II and finally crashed on the couch. I slept like crap because her guy friend snores like a chain-saw.

Sunday - Wake up and decide to go out side for some air. Five seconds later, Bethany comes out and asks, "your not walking home are you?" I say no and we go back inside and talk about WoW for a while. Then, we all decide to go have lunch when their friend gets into town. In the mean time, Bethany comes to my place with me so I can shower, shave and change clothes. Three hours later her friends gets here so we go eat at the newly located Mr. Chopsticks. Then we go back to Chili's for desert. I dont know why we had to go to another place, but we did. At this point its 5:30pm and I am dead tired because I haven't slept well since Thursday night. Bethany and I decide its time for us to go home. I'm at home for like an hour and a half when Joseph calls and decides to pick me up for Battlestar night. Needless to say I didn't get home until midnight.

I am dead tired. I am going to sleep.